'This all comes from a place of deep feeling.'
But a whole bunch of negativity has steadily been taking over. It's become hard to rationalize it all still. I've been slipping more and more. The moments have become glued together, and that one bad moment has become all of them.
So then, as this is my nature, my method, I make it slip further, right into that zone I know so well. No rules here, in the place where one self-destructs. So if you want, you can actually talk about it.
I've somehow been able to hold off for such a long time, delaying the end, not taking into account the sporadic eruptions of purest black, and I've kept it steady, but now I'm derailing the train, and letting it do as much damage as possible. For all the time held off, it's happening so fast now and it's so out of control. I look at what I'm doing and I'm baffled. There are no true reasons for what is happening here. No logic, no real truth forming the basis for the coming wreck. There are only half-lies, half-truths that have somehow become utterly real in sentiment, in innermost feeling, but without logic to back them up. I take a step back, wipe the window clean of the fog of my exhalations and it's gone. It doesn't make sense. I look at it again and again and in the end, past the point of the possibility of comprehension, I have to laugh. And I keep laughing. I'm so tired, but I'm smiling and it's been so long since I've been this happy. I might be insane right now.
Is it cyclical, this thing, this rough beast, its hour come round at last to try and take me down again? Am I in love with it, this state, this feeling of desperation, the teetering, the single step from the edge? I look at it and I can only classify it as madness, because nothing of it is real, it only exists in my head. It's insanity. I've become unstuck from anything solid and any anchoring I had is gone. My world has become this single, incandescent thing, this mind-born madness.
And yes, I do love it, because it's taken over and nothing else matters anymore. It has become the world. The search for meaning, purpose and truth? The reality is what you choose it is. And if something has managed to grab hold of you with such force, such intensity, why would you keep fighting it? You should give it all you have. Let it dictate, let it reign. As it is, this is mine. I am unique.
So I'm going to ride this thing down, let it take me where it will, act on whatever it offers. Let it take the wheel. Maybe if a moment presents itself, I'll just give it a twist, give it a nudge. Who knows what might happen. It doesn't matter, because there is no plan, there is no goal, no place where I'd like to end up. One last weekend of crazy, maybe.
-----
...For the moment at least.
Next week somewhere I'm going to start taking prescription meds, with the intention of getting rid of some stuff I've gotten stuck on. Until then, until I've begun taking them, and figured out the correct dosage, I'm still in a very, very dangerous place.
Right now though, I think I can finally go to bed.
Creative writing, dear reader, sometime you just gotta go with it.
It really, really, really fucking helps.
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