Update. And a long-ass wait ahead.

Spent my Friday evening presiding over the carcass of yet another animal being dismantled, this time a boar.

A case of being prepared, he says, a case of having the skills should they be needed.

So we hoist it up, and he demonstrates what he has learned.

It's a slow process, but at the very least, a satisfying one.

For me too, though I don't do any cutting.

I'm in a dark place still, and the company helps.

I'm still not out of it, but here at least, I thought at the time, I'm not doing any damage to myself.

This type of silence keeps me away from the dangerous kind. There's a slight bit of tequila to remove some more self-awareness and to exist more in the moment. The fire is hot, the glowing wood dazzling.

So I sit closer and let the heat wash over me.

The fire takes over, and it is beautiful.

It's definitely a special moment, but I'm aware that I'm brittle, and that soon I'll be alone.

And that's gonna get problematic.

And indeed, later on, in the dangerous quiet, the old demons come howling back.

So I go for a run, and despite a distinctly blurry left eye, an after-effect from lack of sleep and some tequila, I thought hopefully, it was a pretty good run. Not too much trouble from my right foot, where years and years ago I tore my ligaments. I can feel it, but it doesn't hurt enough to make me stop.

The blurry eye is annoying though, but I figure, a good night's sleep will fix that right up.

But, the day after, the blurriness persists and around noon I realize that my eye isn't the place where something is amiss, and that rather; something is wrong with my glasses.

The left lens, plastic 'cause glasses fall a lot you know, has slightly melted, so that there is an infinitely small whorling pattern on the outside, practically invisible if you look at it straight on. But very definitely noticeable over sustained normal use. Noticeable, and migraine-inducing.

It's bad enough, in fact, that I need a replacement.

So then, fast forward half a day and I still haven't been able to go out the front door.

Anxiety has held me close.

But somehow, somewhere after 4, I manage to extract myself from a very familiar mire of self-pity and terror, to make my way through the crowds of Hasselt centre to the store I went last time.

Huggin' and Kissin' helped. I fucking love that song.

So I did the business, but like an idiot I bought new glasses, rather than ask them to replace the lenses themselves, Mainly because it's hard to open my mouth and explain any particulars so I rather just let myself glide along on what is expected and what is easy, and partially because I figured it had been 2 years since the last change and the money would've been just about the same. I figured, wrongly, that this would also be quicker.

Yes. It obviously, in every conceivable scenario, couldn't possibly be any quicker.

 And on top of that, I got to pick an extra pair free of charge, to be converted into sunglasses, or not; my choice.

So I did. And I didn't think about that this might just add some extra time to the whole process.

And now I have to wait 2 weeks until my order is done.

I have to wait two weeks.

And my left eye is already in full-on squint mode.

The moral of this story is, if there is one;

Conquering one's own demons, even temporarily and knowing they're not gone and'll pop up in the future, doesn't mean one is instantaneously rewarded.

It's a god damn never-ending struggle to keep going forward.

Inching towards daylight, while a monster has its claws in your back and keeps dragging you back down the long dark tunnel you've been stuck in for already too long.

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Whatever, hope you have a good day.